Those who know about Eric know I have struggled for many years trying to keep him sober, make sure he is well, and desperately praying and wishing he would always stay sober. You know all the things we want for all of our children. Unfortunately during that process I became obsessed with every outcome of his life and not my own. I ignored my family, friends, and instead stayed in the horrible moments of his addiction that almost destroyed me.
I became a chronic enabler! I thought if I loved enough, gave enough and made everything right in his world he would want to stay sober and get on with his life. But what had my world become? It became a series of frantic phone calls, anxiety filled nights and days that are difficult to explain. If you have not walked this walk it would be hard to relate to someone becoming so obsessed with an unknown outcome. We all want order in our lives, we all want control, but life does not present itself that way.
So over the past year I have learned to trust God more, trust my judgement, and I stopped enabling my son financially, physically, and emotionally. At first I felt the guilt swell up in my throat and thought yet again all would be my fault if anything happened to him. Well he did hit bottom!! He became homeless, soul less and was spiritually empty. He figured out a way to get help while on the street and entered a rehabilitation program that was all consuming for him. But for the first time in many years he either willingly or out of desperation reached out for help.
He boarded a bus with a trash bag full of clothes two weeks ago and came for a much needed re spit from the world and his addiction. I welcomed him with tentative and cautious love, as I had no idea what kind of mood he would present. I now wanted to support him and not just enable him, I now know the difference between the two.
When you enable you take away their own power, they don't have to dig deep, figure things out for themselves and most of all they use you and the world as a crutch. They never take responsibility or learn from their mistakes. You also lose your own power, hope, and your faith can be drained from you if you allow it.
What I have chosen to do is support my son through this difficult period of becoming sober. I monitor his medications, I have tried to help him stand up again. You can only support when they are working hard at helping themselves. I understand that now and stand strong for my own beliefs and have shared some very special moments with a son I haven't known anything about over the past 10 years. There is more inside than I knew. I have become a listener and not a judge.
Enabling and supporting do not go together, so try not to do both at the same time. And remember this is not just about drug addiction, it can be for any addiction or bad behavior. The love for a person doesn't change, just the dynamic of how you will or won't help them.
I pray it will be worth the effort. His journey is now his own. He will be returning back to California tomorrow and begin a new life that only he will know the outcome. I will let go with trepidation, but send him off with hope, love and God's almighty power to touch his heart and help him become the man I know he can be. So let a person find their own power and set them free to fly. By setting them free you free yourself.
60 days sober,,,my heart is smiling today because he has accomplished one more day, and today is enough!
Enabling someone gives the person a crutch, supporting gives them the ability to stand on their own, and the common denominator between both is unconditional love...
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time...1 Peter 5:6 NIV
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