Leading the way...

Writing...that has been my passion. Storytelling has been my way of communicating with the world.

I have been away from it for awhile, too many obstacles, too many physical and emotion distractions...so I told myself. Maybe the truth is I didn't want to write down and share what was going on in my life!

It has been a year of highs and lows. That is how life works for all of us. Telling the truth and looking at what is can be very overwhelming. We think if we don't address things that it will all go away. It never does.

So let me speak some truths with you and how through adversity comes clarity and a knowing of how to overcome whatever life presents you. I feel a little rusty and a little unsteady with my words, but here it goes!

Let's start with the lows and end with the highs.

I am still struggling with my son Eric. Eric has been an addict for the past 20 years...he is 33 years old now and still struggling with his own self worth, his inability to see himself as a good man and a man that has the ability to become so much more than his addiction.

He is in rehab once again and this time promises to get it right. He has made this promise for the past 20 years. He has had many moments of success and has begun his life over at least 10 times. But drugs are powerful!!!! And no matter what I do as a mother and or friend I can't compete with that. So I have stopped trying to compete and instead have chosen just to love and forgive and let God and Eric try to overcome?

I have been given a rare opportunity to see what it feels like to lose half of my income and try to make it in the world. I was numbed by this sudden occurrence and had many days of panic and sheer dread. How will I make it, how will I pay for everything, how will I house, feed, clothe, and pay for my life saving medications? Big questions, I struggled for the answers! The answers came slowly. I realized I was alone in making this decision and needed to find my way on my own. No one was there to help. Several people said they would and could, but it never materialized. Once again I did the walk with God and let him lead the way. I am glad to say I still have my home, food on the table and have been blessed with an amazing room mate who was sent I am sure to watch over me and help in so many beautiful and caring ways. She is the high of this low.

Leading the way to the highs this past 6 months is my continued good health. We all know what stress can and does do to the body. I was terrified that somehow my body and health may have been affected by all the stress, the tears, the ups and downs...but that did not happen!

I just returned from California with 6 doctor visits under my belt along with ultrasounds, echo-grams, labs, etc. I returned with good news. You know the good news only God can bring to us. Other than a few minor changes and things to watch for I was given a reprieve for another year. I have out lived my unsuccessful open heart surgery done in 1997, I was told I may only live another few years...but I am still here.

I am a kidney transplant survivor of 11 years now. Thanks to the miracle given me by the above mentioned son Eric, the gift keeps on giving. I know he struggles so, but pray he understands that the gift he so generously gave me will be his own entrance into heaven.

So I have chosen to live this next year with the knowing that God has afforded me more time and the needed energy to teach, love, embrace and receive all He has for me. I will keep an open heart, an open mind and a knowing that only good things lie ahead. In His wisdom, he is the miracle worker...I will continue to remain a faithful servant and a believer of miracles... for my life is one of those miracles...

Have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse; but, on the contrary. repay with a blessing. It is for this that you were called-that you might inherit a blessing...1 Peter: 3:8-9

Prince Charming...

It is a warm spring day, perfect for a picnic and an afternoon of love. Sitting on a boat with  a kind gentle man, a soft breeze gently blowing my hair away from my face, the sound of water ripples in the background, and the smell of honeysuckle fills my nostrils. A toast and a sip of red wine warms my soul and my cheeks blush a scarlet red. It is a day of love and anticipation of what lie ahead?

Well here I am a 67 year old woman thinking about when I was waiting for my Prince Charming and visualizing this scene in my mind's eye.  After 45 years in a relationship that was disappointing and sometimes painful, I guess I am still waiting for my Prince Charming?

Waiting for Prince Charming is a childhood fantasy that does not relate in my real adult world. What is it that I need to let go of, what do I want for my future? Am I going to walk the rest of my journey alone or with another?

First I need to let go of the past which is not an easy job. I am glad I am awake and see the pitfalls of what I have expected of myself and how perfect I have thought I needed to be. I had this need to be perfect for my husband, my parents, my children, friends and co workers. Guess what, I was never perfect, nor can anyone be perfect!  I don't know why we try and live in that fantasy!  A lofty and heavy burden to carry, I am letting go of the luggage, one bag at a time.

I am determined to not beat myself up every time I back slide or feel anger or sadness. I will learn to embrace it and work through the process. After all that is what life is, feeling, moving forward and learning as we go. The journey is never done, and just when we think it is we are tested. Our faith, patience and world itself is tested everyday?  I am often walking in blind faith. I can't see where I am going or where I will end up, but I have to trust God and keep trusting that He knows how my own personal journey will end.

What I would like in my life is to be with someone who sees me, has a God filled spirit and love of the Lord as do I, and will walk along side of me for the rest of my said journey. No great expectations, just love, warmth, mutual respect, and a giving to one another that requires nothing but pure love. Maybe it is a lot to ask for, but what a lovely way to spend the rest of ones life.

So I won't sit around waiting for my Prince Charming...I will just be waiting with a knowing that the right person will come along, if not in person at least in my dreams!

I have made many mistakes in my life, but if you made a mistake, even serious mistakes, there is always another chance for you because this thing we call "failure" in not the falling down, but the staying down.

Let your own mistakes become lessons and our lives become adventures in growth, not stagnation.

Intersecting of time...

I just finished reading Mitch Albom's new book The Time Keeper. I love the way he writes and shares a story. He is one of my favorite story tellers.

Like this child trying to catch the bubbles or releasing them, that is how I see time! We all interpret this picture differently. What do you feel when you see this picture?

Have you ever wished it was yesterday? Have you ever wanted to rewind time and go back to fix or change something in your own life? Have you ever wanted it to be tomorrow because today is too painful?  I think we all have.

Let me share a day in my own life.


It's funny how a day can present itself. It can be joyful and full of anguish at the same time.  One day not so long ago I was celebrating a joyful event in my life. We were toasting and feeling that sense of joy that makes you giddy.  As we finished toasting, a received a text with such devastating news it took my breath away. What to do with all that emotion? I had no clue! I didn't know whether to cry, laugh, or fall to my knees with such anguish.


It was an intersecting of time...something we have no control over. So what do we have control over?
I think only the day you are presented with!  And if you are not present in that time you miss the gift of the day and of time.

So I just let myself feel all the emotions that arouse inside; you know that kind of emotion where your throat tightens and you have no control! I cried, I asked why, I became still and quiet, so I could hear what the universe was trying to tell me. There was no magic answer, truth is life just happens, good and bad. We only have control over our own day and our own faith!  I think is is God's way of testing our own personal faith. So when I am filled with sadness or grief I truly have to hand it over to God. There is nothing else to do!


When you look at your life today, is it where you want to be or think you should be?  How do we know if we are in the right place at the right time?

The truth is we don't know. We are where we are because that is all that time allows us. It only affords us today. No promise of tomorrow, no returning to the past.

I wonder sometimes what my life would be like without a clock or watch. Do you realize how many times you check the time during a 24 hour period? Have you ever been someplace where you are truly alone for a day without keeping time? I have been to a few and the feeling of freedom that comes without being on a schedule is a gift.

It is important that we live in the moment of the day. When you are not keeping time, your day becomes like a slow moving cloud in the sky...just flowing at its own pace and allowing you the gift of not keeping time!

I learned long ago that you don't lose anything by waiting on God, or losing track of time.  When you do things in the right time, in the right season and with the right purpose...God will surely bless you!

So today won't you enjoy time with yourself, with family and or friends and try not looking at your watch for just a day. I wish you a time filled with love, joy and a little bit of heaven on earth.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own...Matthew 6:34

Out with the old...in with the new!

I am so looking forward to 2013 with a new mind set and new goals, a vision of hope, new strength, and maintaining my peace above all.

I have not written much in the past few months, but it is on my to do list to continue writing, finish and get published "Waiting to Die, Wanting to Live", as I think it is an important story that needs to be shared, and hopefully will touch at least one person.

I don't know why we get stuck or lose our way, but we do. I could feel defeated or pick myself up and keep moving forward, I think I will choose the latter. It is easy for us to get side tracked. One of the problems with that is we are way too hard on ourselves. We forget to give ourselves grace and mercy, just as God gives us everyday. Much harder to be kind to ourselves than one would think. So be gentle and kind to yourself, you deserve it.

I don't think it is necessary to share all that has happened this year, let's just say I was needed in different places for different people. That is part of my journey, to assist others, to give out of kindness and not necessity, and I have to keep myself grounded and healthy so I can do what I have been called to do.

What am I thankful for for 2012?  First of all my continued health. Even with all the ups and downs emotionally that have occurred in my life, my health remains strong, my energy level for a 67 year old is a little slower, but remains present.  I am so amazed some days that God has blessed me so. I guess He must have a reason for my staying. I am glad to be here and staying awhile.

What are you grateful for? Has the past year brought you challenges, obstacles, emotional highs and lows, or an illness that you have had to deal with? If you have had challenges as we all do I will continue to pray for all, and pray that each of us will find our way.

One of the things I have learned yet again is to stay in constant prayer with God. I am a friend of God. He is the only one that listens, does not judge, yet somehow brings me comfort and opens up a path that I had not seen.

We all have something to deal with, it really is the way we embrace it. God has played such an important role in my life this year, some days I think more than years gone by.

So whatever has set you back or if you have lost your way, it is never to late to start over, to love more, to forgive ourselves and others and continue to walk the path that God has planned for us. Get busy living or get busy dying. Great line from a great movie. But it is so true and simply said.

So my writing has awakened in me, back to some creativity, hard work and getting on with what it is I am here to do!

God wants you to be in the world, but so different from the world that you will change it. Get cracking.

"God love you and I love you."  You must say it often to your friends. This world is not starving from a lack of money. It's starving from a want of love.

Love one another deeply, from the heart.1 Peter 1:22 NIV

Seeking...

In this world of negative energy and oh so many problems, there are many who say we must ignore and stay away from ALL negatives in our lives!!!

Don't engage with people with problems, they will only bring you down, drain you and make your life miserable. Some of these people are well meaning ministers, priests, philosophers and such. I really listened to them for a long time thinking my own personal world would be so much better if I didn't engage in any negative energy or be around people with so many problems or drama! I was wrong on every count.

Let me explain! Sometimes people say God helps those who help themselves. But there are times people don't know how to reach out for God or help themselves. You may be the person to step up and into ones world and offer that assistance and have God use you as His instrument.

We can be helpful in so many ways. But first we must allow negative energy to become just a vibration, a vibration that is searching or seeking a helping hand. You don't need to hold onto the vibration, just listen, learn, give advice if asked and help guide a person to where they are trying to go. That is what I think God means by lending a hand both physically, emotionally and spiritually. If the person you are trying to help doesn't make changes or he or she become needy, then you must let them go. But you never stop loving or caring you just switch the vibration of energy to a positive one.

If all you look for in the world is good, you will never know pain, suffering or what real life is about, and it is about all of those things. You can only grow and learn from adversity and paying attention to all that life brings.  Life isn't suppose to be easy! If everything in your life is easy you have missed or turned away from the learning process.

So continue to seek and you shall find a world that is yours for the asking.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it,  Hebrews 12:11