60 days sober...

This is one of my favorite pictures of my son Eric, his son Dylan and myself on a memorable day at the beach. The sun was going down, we had just eaten a wonderful dinner and I enjoyed a wonderful sober moment with him. All was good with the world that day. I spent time with my grandson, and my heart was smiling.

Those who know about Eric know I have struggled for many years trying to keep him sober, make sure he is well, and desperately praying and wishing he would always stay sober. You know all the things we want for all of our children. Unfortunately during that process I became obsessed with every outcome of his life and not my own. I ignored my family, friends, and instead stayed in the horrible moments of his addiction that almost destroyed me.

I became a chronic enabler! I thought if I loved enough, gave enough and made everything right in his world he would want to stay sober and get on with his life. But what had my world become?  It became a series of frantic phone calls, anxiety filled nights and days that are difficult to explain. If you have not walked this walk it would be hard to relate to someone becoming so obsessed with an unknown outcome. We all want order in our lives, we all want control, but life does not present itself that way.

So over the past year I have learned to trust God more, trust my judgement, and I stopped enabling my son financially, physically, and emotionally. At first I felt the guilt swell up in my throat and thought yet again all would be my fault if anything happened to him. Well he did hit bottom!! He became homeless, soul less and was spiritually empty. He figured out a way to get help while on the street and entered a rehabilitation program that was all consuming for him. But for the first time in many years he either willingly or out of desperation reached out for help.

He boarded a bus with a trash bag full of clothes two weeks ago and came for a much needed re spit from the world and his addiction.  I welcomed him with tentative and cautious love, as I had no idea what kind of mood he would present. I now wanted to support him and not just enable him, I now know the difference between the two.

When you enable you take away their own power, they don't have to dig deep, figure things out for themselves and most of all they use you and the world as a crutch. They never take responsibility or learn from their mistakes. You also lose your own power, hope, and your faith can be drained from you if you allow it.

What I have chosen to do is support my son through this difficult period of becoming sober. I monitor his medications, I have tried to help him stand up again. You can only support when they are working hard at helping themselves. I understand that now and stand strong for my own beliefs and have shared some very special moments with a son I haven't known anything about over the past 10 years. There is more inside than I knew. I have become a listener and not a judge.

Enabling and supporting do not go together, so try not to do both at the same time. And remember this is not just about drug addiction, it can be for any addiction or bad behavior. The love for a person doesn't change, just the dynamic of how you will or won't help them.

I pray it will be worth the effort. His journey is now his own. He will be returning back to California tomorrow and begin a new life that only he will know the outcome. I will let go with trepidation, but send him off with hope, love and God's almighty power to touch his heart and help him become the man I know he can be.  So let a person find their own power and set them free to fly.  By setting them free you free yourself.

60 days sober,,,my heart is smiling today because he has accomplished one more day, and today is enough!

Enabling someone gives the person a crutch, supporting gives them the ability to stand on their own, and the common denominator between both is unconditional love...


Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time...1 Peter 5:6 NIV

Motherhood...

I thought a lot about Mother's Day this past week or so.  I reflected on my own relationship with my mother and my relationship with my own children. The picture of my mom was taken on her engagement day. She was yet to become a wife, a mother and grandmother. She had no idea what formula to follow. She had no mother to teach her. She, I believe like all of us, learn as we go.

Mother's Day...what does that mean to you? Many mothers, grandmothers, and women sit with a carefully placed bouquet of flowers, maybe a quick meal, a hasty phone call while others had a quiet day with family celebrating the love between them and just being in the presence of one another. Which one were you?

I think we are both at different times of our lives.  Society is quick to remind us of the importance of being a good mother. Are we doing enough, will I do it the right way, do I love everyone the same?  So many unanswered questions?  It is hard to fulfill all that we think the world wants us to be, and for sure what we want to be.

It occurred to me that maybe the best people to ask what they expect or want from us is our own children. We rarely do that, as sometimes we are afraid to look at ourselves and maybe make the necessary changes or be reminded that we make mistakes. There are times you must right a wrong. If need be do it and move on. We needn't be so hard on ourselves, so don't be. I am not perfect, always right, and don't always fulfill the needs of my children or grand children.

So what I have learned as a mother and grandmother is not to be so hard on myself. I can't be everything for everyone all the time. Time is a gift, it is the gift I really want for Mother's Day. A few hours to sit, talk and reminisce about the past and what the future holds for my children and their children. I am not much of a gift kind of mom. I'd rather have you love me all year long, and maybe bring me a flower or a meal on a day that it is unexpected. That, I think should be the theme of the day. But I am an old fashion lady who will always take pleasure in the simple things.

I use to wonder why my mother was always so fussy about the day, I think I understand it now, but don't really believe in the theory. My sisters and I never questioned what we would be doing on Mother's Day, our mother let us know what she wanted, what time to be there, and don't be late!!!! But she had no reference point to reflect on. So in theory she was right, we are to honor our mothers, but not just on Mother's Day, maybe we should consider being kind and loving throughout the year. Give that some thought!!!

Wishing you a Happy Mother's Day filled with love and memories.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless...Mother Teresa
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Being present is enough...

I have this prayer on my wall here in Arizona. I pass it everyday and sometimes forget to pray what it says or means. I am present, but my presence is not always there!

PRAY, YOU NEVER STAND TALLER THAN WHEN YOU ARE ON YOUR KNEES! An easy one to remember but not as easy to follow.

I attended a church meeting last night about being part of the Funeral Host Ministry. I have been a Hospice nurse and a volunteer, so I am comfortable with talking with those who have lost a loved one. I enjoyed what Father Eric had to say about our being present in the community and different events through out the church and in the world.. I believed that is what we are here to do, give back, step up and be present to help our fellow man.

We are sometimes so frightened to try something new or stretch out our hand to help others. There is nothing to fear. He said two very powerful things that have stayed with me. I have had a day to chew on it so to speak and it touched my heart and spirit.

If we are to follow the teachings of any religious group or synagogue, one of the first things we learn is about giving back to those in need. And there are always people in need for different reasons. Sometimes that person is ourselves. We need to fill ourselves up at times, and personally for me it only works when I am doing something for someone else.

You see when you are giving back, you step out of yourself and into the love of God. In return God blesses you with His love. So give without expectations, thank yous, or special confirming words. In other words just do it anyway.

Being present and being in the presence of others is enough. Silence is more powerful sometimes than words could ever be. So just be in the moment and the moment will be enough.

So I have joined the team and want to share just my being with others. If I can bring comfort, and extend a hand or shoulder I will. I am thankful that I am able to do His work.

Won't you consider extending a hand and being present?

God, You do not leave me wanting for anything. So please give me the courage and insight to leave behind all that I do not need in my life.


Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might...Ecclesiastes 9:10 NIV

Waiting...

Like the flickering candle burning softly and continuously, so goes my praying and waiting.

The candle is a reflection of my own personal struggle with areas of my life I have no control over. I keep it burning with the prayer that things will change, that is all I know how to do.

I recently offered a loved one a final intervention. He refused the offer. The final intervention was one to help my son overcome his addictions and his own personal demons. I am sorry to say he is not ready to admit to or resolve any of his problems.

It has taken me a lifetime to realize the very obvious answer to a very hard question. How can we as parents help our children or other loved ones when their mistress is a mesmerizing drug that gives them more satisfaction than love, money, peace or God's ever present love? A hard question to ask, an even harder one to answer!

So what do we do? We wait. What do you do in the waiting process?

The waiting process has become my friend. You know sometimes when we have to wait so long, the blessings at the end of the waiting goes beyond our expectations. I think at times unless we have an adversity to overcome, patience to be learned and trusting to be tested we can easily take for granted all the blessings God affords us everyday.

My son and his adversities are his own. I have learned as his mother that unless I let go and let him find his way, his sobriety will never come to be. I have learned not to argue when he is in a state of destruction and to let his cruel and hurtful words fall to the wayside, as I know this is the drug talking and not the little boy I once knew. It is a painful  process to watch and live, but you have to make peace with yourself and with God.

"If I can just get through this..." I do find myself repeating this statement often. My eyes sometimes scan the horizon for the crossroads that will offer me an alternative to the burden of today.  Perseverance is a requirement of faith. I am thankful for this part of the journey because I believe perseverance is also a gift.

If I did not know the sweat of the work, I will never know the sweetness of victory.

Don't be overwhelmed...take it one day and one prayer at a time. Stormie Omartian

Those who wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth. Psalm 37:9 KJV

139 Gordon Ave...

I can almost smell the snow in the air and feel its crunch under my feet. The icicles hung down from the roof, you could just grab one and let it melt slowly on your tongue. But this snow storm, the biggest one I remember was not for me.  I was 5 years old and stuck in the house with chicken pox. I have a picture somewhere of me pouting at the window with a longing look in my eyes.  Well not really, I was just mad I couldn't go out and play. Everything was closed including the schools. The only problem with playing outside, was you had to get out the door. And the snow drifts were so high as you can see, that my dad and my dido had to take a shovel and make a path from one house to another.

You couldn't go downtown, to the store, church, or work. The buses didn't run, and forget trying to get a car out of the driveway. It was at least a week before people started to navigate outside.  We ate whatever was canned for the winter and made do between both houses that all were fed and kept warm.  I remember we had a coal cellar and I am thinking we probably had plenty for the week or maybe we had to use what we had sparingly.

All I know is the winter of 1950 in Campbell, Ohio was one that has stayed in my memory. It was about family and friends coming together in a time of distress and making it work. When you didn't have to lock your door, when helping out a neighbor was what being a neighbor was all about. You shared food, time and a certain spirit of well being with one another.  I am grateful I lived during that period, I am a baby boomer, born the year World War II ended.  I am thankful to have the memories of a wonderous time and a happy childhood.